Today I was told that the impossible has become possible! -not only possible, but REALITY!! Scary, yucky feeling, exciting, wonderful, anxious REALITY! And while I would love to say that it doesn't feel real, the nausea, fatigue, HEARTBURN, and dizziness are all very REAL to me, so I am just overtly grateful that there is a good reason for all of this!
This may not seem all that miraculous to the outside eye, but for this girl, at this time it is a very miraculous and beautiful mercy. Here is why.
So I am so blessed to have my little 2 year old, Maggie. I know that I am blessed to have her, and I have intensely adored her from the moment that I heard her little heartbeat. But being pregnant with her totally messed up my body. I really wanted to be one of those "more happy when I am pregnant" people, but it was not the case. I developed a severe rash, some mutalated form of PUPPS, covering the length and width, and anything in between, of my body. It was so severe that I would scratch till I would BLEED and it never felt better. It was horrible, and I would never wish it upon anybody. I then developed a racing heartbeat and high blood pressure to top that off, and got put on bedrest at 36 weeks. At 39 weeks, at my regular appointment I was not progressing, and with my blood pressure still threatening at a stroke worthy level, my doctor decided to just take Maggie out by C Section. Thinking that the end of my pregnancy signaled the end of my rash, emotional ups and downs, and health issues was not about to be reality.
I dealt with post partum depression, fatigue, cold rashes, and just constantly not feeling well enough to do daily things, let alone take care of a refluxy baby. After many doctors telling me all different things; i.e. "you are depressed, try this!", "you have low thyroid, try this!", even "you are just fine, just read a steamy romance novel!!" (said before I was even finished telling my symptoms!) "you have fibromyalgia and are too stressed out" etc..
PAINFUL!! NO PROGRESS!!
Then, Maggie at 2 years of age, I suddenly stop having periods. At this point I am feeling awefully concerned. After all, I really wanted to maybe start thinking of another baby soon! No period=No baby! EVER! Very scary!
I finally decided that all this time had gone by still feeling crappy, trying to lose weight and having every single effort thrown in my face, never getting any real answers from these doctors, and now this girly stuff was just all too much! I needed to find someone who would LISTEN to me and ACTUALLY DO THE BLOODWORK that needed to be done, and FIGURE OUT MY PROBLEM!!!
So I was referred to an amazing doctor, Dr. Randy Lundell. (whom I would refer ANYONE dealing with any hormone issues) After scheduling an appointment 2 months out, I found it quite frustrating to wait that long, telling myself that this would be different and turning to the Lord for patience, my appointment finally arrived!
Dr. Lundell was very kind and knowledgable. After LISTENING to my concerns, he helped me to feel like I was not the only one who goes through these kind of things. After all, I am a 22 year old having 40 year old health issues. He helped me to figure out that I was not producing progesterone (the hormone that makes you ovulate) and that my thyroid medicine, the one that I had been on for a year and a half now, was not working properly, and that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. PCOS could make it difficult to get pregnant in the future, but is managable if treated properly.
I was so happy to finally be getting somewhere! Relief was on the way! Wowwy! I deserved it!
Well, after a couple of weeks of being on the progesterone that he put me on, I was supposed to have a period. After 4 weeks went by with no period I began to be concerned again!
What on earth is wrong with me??? I thought. If this isn't working I must have some sort of cancer, or tumor or something. And then I will NEVER have more babies!! Oh, how I want more babies! I am supposed to be a mommy!! Maggie needs siblings!! I can't do this!! I will take ANY other trial, just not this one!!! I have had ENOUGH of this emotional roller coaster!! Maybe I am not fit to be a mommy to more than one child... I am not good enough... at least I have my Maggie, she is plenty and we will just adopt someday..
So my thoughts went, and I cried and cried to my mommy, and was angry, and scared, and hopeless. I really felt I would go insane.. and then the next day I had a strong feeling to take a pregnancy test.
While I had been taking pregnancy tests quite often this last few months, just to be sure, I most certainly didn't expect anything but one line.. LO AND BEHOLD THERE WERE TWO!! DARK ONES!! I immediately went back for more tests!! 3 more to be exact. and they were all POSITIVE!!! HOW COULD THIS BEEE???
Turns out I really am pregnant!!!! Today was my follow up appointment with Dr. Lundell, a little over one month from when he started me on the new treatment. turns out, he thinks that I am 6-8 weeks along, which means I would have had to already barely be pregnant when I saw him!! Impossible! What a MIRACLE!!!
I know that this is a tender mercy. I know that I probably had to get so down in the dumps that I felt no hope in order to appreciate what was closely approaching. I know that I probably wouldn't have appreciated this if I hadn't been so scared and had my livelihood challenged. All I know is that miracles happen, and if I am writing this experience only for me to look back and see that I had a miracle, then so be it. I LOVE my Heavenly Father, and this experience shows me that he truly does watch for and care for each of us, and that he deeply knows and loves us. He will never forget me, only teach me, and for that I am extraordinarilly grateful.
Nick, Maggie and I truly could not be more elated for this news!! I know that we will get through whatever the future brings us, good or bad, and that we will be so grateful when we get to hold this miracle baby.