Spiritual Thoughts Journal..

Every year my sister, my mommy and I get to go to Campus Education Week at BYU.  I swear that this is my spiritual highlight of the whole year and it is just wonderful. I love the environment of learning that is there and the time that I get to spend with my best friends, and it is just lovely. I have always "taken notes" and written things down there, but this year I was impressed to do something different. I feel like sometimes my notes are just trying to write down every little thing that I can, and they often lack the beautiful spirit that I feel while I am there, and sometimes trying to write so fast can drown out the spirit and cause me to miss something that would have otherwise been meaningfull.

So I found this beautiful book, and immediately it was mine! I decided to use it to write down only the significant spiritual lessons, thoughts, quotes and experiences that I come across, so that I can have them for future reference, and actually have access to the spirit that I felt while in that moment, without any of the unnecessary fluff.

Well months went by, and I was faithful with recording things in my spiritual thoughts journal (STJ) and then I came to a speedbump.

At this time in my life I was feeling a lot of hatred, and it was all consuming. Hatred is not an emotion that I am very familiar with, and it was really hard to overcome. I prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would help me with this, and I felt like it wasn't getting any easier. I came to feel helpless, useless, insignificant, and began questioning many things I thought I had known for sure and it was not pleasant. 

At this point I think that Nick was getting sick and tired of hearing me complain, and he finally suggested that I read through my STJ and see how I felt.

So I did, and I could not believe the spirit that I felt. There were things that I could not have known that I would  later need to be reminded of at the time they were written that just totally put me in my place. The sequence of entries written was nothing less than a miracle for me and it changed my life. I really felt the spirit so strongly and knew that my Heavenly Father has been there the whole time, I was just so distracted that I wasn't noticing.

I learned something huge from that, and I hope that it will mean something to anyone reading this. It is possible to forget why we have the testimony that we have, and nobody should ever take theirs for granted or forget to nourish it.  I know the importance of writing down spiritual things, solely so that we may look back on them in times of weakness and be strengthened from our own experiences. I love being able to look back on those things and have my worries dispelled and fear replaced with faith.

I really do have a testimony of my Gospel, and it is truly what brings all the happiness and joys into my life. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and the careful love that I feel from him. It really is through my Savior that I am the most "me" that I can be, and I am growing every day because of Him.

Our Little Miracle..

Today I was told that the impossible has become possible! -not only possible, but REALITY!! Scary, yucky feeling, exciting, wonderful, anxious REALITY! And while I would love to say that it doesn't feel real, the nausea, fatigue, HEARTBURN, and dizziness are all very REAL to me, so I am just overtly grateful that there is a good reason for all of this!

This may not seem all that miraculous to the outside eye, but for this girl, at this time it is a very miraculous and beautiful mercy. Here is why.

So I am so blessed to have my little 2 year old, Maggie. I know that I am blessed to have her, and I have intensely adored her from the moment that I heard her little heartbeat. But being pregnant with her totally messed up my body. I really wanted to be one of those "more happy when I am pregnant" people, but it was not the case.  I developed a severe rash, some mutalated form of PUPPS, covering the length and width, and anything in between, of my body. It was so severe that I would scratch till I would BLEED and it never felt better. It was horrible, and I would never wish it upon anybody. I then developed a racing heartbeat and high blood pressure to top that off, and got put on bedrest at 36 weeks. At 39 weeks, at my regular appointment I was not progressing, and with my blood pressure still threatening at a stroke worthy level, my doctor decided to just take Maggie out by C Section. Thinking that the end of my pregnancy signaled the end of my rash, emotional ups and downs, and health issues was not about to be reality.

I dealt with post partum depression, fatigue, cold rashes, and just constantly not feeling well enough to do daily things, let alone take care of a refluxy baby. After many doctors telling me all different things; i.e. "you are depressed, try this!", "you have low thyroid, try this!", even "you are just fine, just read a steamy romance novel!!" (said before I was even finished telling my symptoms!) "you have fibromyalgia and are too stressed out" etc..

PAINFUL!! NO PROGRESS!!

Then, Maggie at 2 years of age, I suddenly stop having periods. At this point I am feeling awefully concerned.  After all, I really wanted to maybe start thinking of another baby soon! No period=No baby! EVER! Very scary!

I finally decided that all this time had gone by still feeling crappy, trying to lose weight and having every single effort thrown in my face, never getting any real answers from these doctors, and now this girly stuff was just all too much! I needed to find someone who would LISTEN to me and ACTUALLY DO THE BLOODWORK that needed to be done, and FIGURE OUT MY PROBLEM!!!

So I was referred to an amazing doctor, Dr. Randy Lundell. (whom I would refer ANYONE dealing with any hormone issues) After scheduling an appointment 2 months out, I found it quite frustrating to wait that long, telling myself that this would be different and turning to the Lord for patience, my appointment finally arrived!

Dr. Lundell was very kind and knowledgable. After LISTENING to my concerns, he helped me to feel like I was not the only one who goes through these kind of things. After all, I am a 22 year old having 40 year old health issues. He helped me to figure out that I was not producing progesterone (the hormone that makes you ovulate) and that my thyroid medicine, the one that I had been on for a year and a half now, was not working properly, and that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. PCOS could make it difficult to get pregnant in the future, but is managable if treated properly.

I was so happy to finally be getting somewhere! Relief was on the way! Wowwy! I deserved it!

Well, after a couple of weeks of being on the progesterone that he put me on, I was supposed to have a period.  After 4 weeks went by with no period I began to be concerned again!

What on earth is wrong with me??? I thought. If this isn't working I must have some sort of cancer, or tumor or something. And then I will NEVER have more babies!! Oh, how I want more babies! I am supposed to be a mommy!! Maggie needs siblings!! I can't do this!! I will take ANY other trial, just not this one!!! I have had ENOUGH of this emotional roller coaster!! Maybe I am not fit to be a mommy to more than one child... I am not good enough... at least I have my Maggie, she is plenty and we will just adopt someday..

So my thoughts went, and I cried and cried to my mommy, and was angry, and scared, and hopeless. I really felt I would go insane.. and then the next day I had a strong feeling to take a pregnancy test.

While I had been taking pregnancy tests quite often this last few months, just to be sure, I most certainly didn't expect anything but one line.. LO AND BEHOLD THERE WERE TWO!! DARK ONES!! I immediately went back for more tests!! 3 more to be exact. and they were all POSITIVE!!! HOW COULD THIS BEEE???

Turns out I really am pregnant!!!! Today was my follow up appointment with Dr. Lundell, a little over one month from when he started me on the new treatment. turns out, he thinks that I am 6-8 weeks along, which means I would have had to already barely be pregnant when I saw him!! Impossible! What a MIRACLE!!!

I know that this is a tender mercy. I know that I probably had to get so down in the dumps that I felt no hope in order to appreciate what was closely approaching. I know that I probably wouldn't have appreciated this if I hadn't been so scared and had my livelihood challenged. All I know is that miracles happen, and if I am writing this experience only for me to look back and see that I had a miracle, then so be it. I LOVE my Heavenly Father, and this experience shows me that he truly does watch for and care for each of us, and that he deeply knows and loves us. He will never forget me, only teach me, and for that I am extraordinarilly grateful.

Nick, Maggie and I truly could not be more elated for this news!! I know that we will get through whatever the future brings us, good or bad, and that we will be so grateful when we get to hold this miracle baby.

SO LONG!!

Yes, I know, it has been too long! And as for my last post; 2011 did NOT make me be a better blogger. But I assure you, I was busy doing many other things! Such as-

Keeping my little Maggie alive!

discovering my parenting style

discovering how to be a parent, and still be ME, and be a WIFE too! (something I'm sure I will be discovering forever)

looking for a home

fixing up our home

moving into our home

feeling yucky

visiting doctors trying to find out why I was feeling yucky

FINALLY figuring out why I was feeling yucky!

strengthening my family relationships

strengthening my relationship with my Heavenly Father

laughing a lot

DANCING a lot

discovering PINTEREST

having to trash my beloved BUBARSU.. :(

replacing it with an Explorer (which I totally love)

NOT having internet!

paying off some debt! (wahoo!!)

camping a lot!

taking a trip to the beautiful OREGON coast!

trying to be happy and live each day to its fullest!

The good news is that I we finally got internet at our home! So.... Maybe this girl will blog every once in a while... Who knows??

...2011...

This year I will be a better blogger...

....maybe...

But I did set some other goals...

1. go to the temple monthly with my Hubby

2. continue strengthening my relationship with my Savior

3. take better pictures, not necessarily more, but just better ones.

4. continue exersizing and stop eating when I am full (duh!)

5. stay positive

6. improve on something each day

7. weekly dates with Hubby

8. always be reading a good book

9. live more providently

Nothing too flashy or difficult because I want to be able to stick to them this time! :)

Here are some things I accomplished in 2010...

-got my esthetics license!

-moved to Springville

-started exersizing!

-lost 8 lbs!

-kept the Magster alive and happy

-discovered solutions to my health speedbumps

-read half of the Book of Mormon on my own

-got closer to My Savior

-strengthened relationships with Hubby, family and friends

Have a great year everyone!!!

I know we will! :)

Someone Got a Good Laugh!!! :)

....and I wish it was ME!

Ha ha ha, oh my!

So, recently I got some new workout DVDs so that I can still get a workout when I wasn't able to go for a walk/run for any reason. I have thought to myself many times, "Oh jeez, what would I do if somebody ever saw me doing my workout?!?!"

....Today was that day!!! HA!....

Picture this; a little cracked open window to a lower level apartment, surely the girl inside thought that nobody would be around to see! Inside there is a chubby little girl with obvious ambition, just dancing her heart out to the cheesiest dance video ever, alone in her living room scattered with toys sweating like a greased pig!!!

All of a sudden I hear girls laughing so hard, but just kept on dancing, wondering what in the world was so funny!

I didn't know whether to feel self conscious about this and go apologize, or just keep up with my routine and any time I see my neighbors, just laugh to myself!! Who the HECK cares!! I don't have anyone to impress besides myself and Heavenly Father!!  So I will just keep it up (and make sure to close my window!!!) and just laugh!!

On that note, I am kinda proud!  I have known for a long time that I really ought to take better care of my body and lose some serious poundage!! I know that Heavenly Father lent me this body trusting me to take care of it, and I really blew it lately and am reaping the consequences!

I found out that I have Fibromyalgia... which basically makes it hard to sleep, and makes me feel like I am sick with bodyaches ALL THE TIME!! Dang, not fun! 

But the good news for me is that i can make it better by exercising and eating better, taking time for myself, and getting good quality sleep. and now i know that it was not all in my head!!

The reason that I am proud is because I REFUSE to allow this to turn me into a vegetable! And I am doing very well! I have been eating 1500 calories a day and working out every single day! Those things truly are helping me feel great!! I know I will have not so good days, but I will for sure get through them!

I truly feel like I am "Defying Gravity" like the song! :) Wish me luck!

My Love Affair with Music!

Along with my sweet Hubby, baby girl, families, and the Gospel, I am also in love with music!

Not just any music though, the kind that talks to you. The kind that can bring tears to your eyes. The beautiful kind! For example, Dave Matthews Band does this to me. As well as Sara Bareilles, Louis Armstrong, Frank Sinatra, Mo Tab, and many others...

Here are some reasons to love music:

-it is compassionate... There is a type of music for every single emotion you could be feeling...

-it cheers you up! Happy music on a not so happy day automatically turns it into a happy day!

-it time travels! ...music can instantly take you back to a past time...

-it speaks your mind! ...lots of times if you have something to tell someone, but can't find the words, there is usually a song that would do the job for you!

-it puts babies to sleep! ...seriously?! can something that does this job be anymore heaven sent?

-it brings the spirit! ...very often, when there are songs sung in church, or even just listening to spiritual music, I find tears in my eyes!

-It helps me to see the world as Heavenly Father does! ...When I don't feel so cute, or feel begrudgingly about any of the things in my life, or in the world, music usually puts a different more eternal perspective on things...

-it motivates and inspires! ...don't feel like working out today? pop in some headphones with a great tune and you're out on your feet in no time! :)

mmmm... I am so grateful for music!

D.I. :)

Oh my, I so love the D.I. & Savers! One of my favorite things is treasure hunting, and finding things that some people might think of as ugly, or even hideous, and them doing my own thing to them and making them beautiful! So very fun! I just got a few new things to do just that to, so pictures will come soon! :)

And the Hobby Lobby in Orem opened!! Wow, that place is amazing! Nick has been talking about building a dollhouse for Mags someday, and I have looked online for kits and such... But they have a bunch of kits and everything to go with them at the Hobby Lobby!! I am so excited! I don't know when we will do that, probably next year sometime because Maggie is not old enough to really enjoy it yet. But it is really exciting to see them actually there! YAY!