Week 19, and Being Mommy..

Here is a summary of how things have been in our world recently..

So I am nearly 19 weeks along with baby girl Hendershot #2 and I am feeling ok. It seems like as soon as I hit the second trimester mark the sickness drizzled out and I have had more energy as a whole. Not to mention going from feeling picky with food to wanting to eat everthing in sight! I have felt baby move a few times, nothing super regular or strong yet, just little flutters. I do find myself feeling super moody though, and there are days when I literally could just cry about nothing all day long! Sleeping is getting uncomfortable and not as restful, and my anklles (actually more like KANKLES these days) are already super swollen most of the time, as are my hands.. bah!! My temper has been really short with Nick and Maggie and honestly, I feel quite bad for them. Nick said today as he was leaving for work, "Well it seems as though you are only the 'real Niki' every other day these days, so I am really excited to see you tomorrow." Oh my... Sorry babes! Sadly, I am not a cute, bubbly and very "glowy" pregnant lady. I blow up like a balloon, get zits, become emotionally unstable and moody, and feel like poop! But all for a very cute cause!

Maggie... Oh Maggie! What a cutie she is, and how quickly she is growing up! She is on a little kick of wanting to do EVERYTHING by herself!! It is really cute to see her be so independent, but I must say that there are just still some things that she needs help with (like rinsing the bubbles out of her hair, pouring her milk, wiping her face, putting on pull-ups, choosing clothes, etc.) I have been trying to hold back and let her figure things out on her own, but she definitely DOES NOT want to ask Mom or Dad for help!! or allow us to step in at all without throwing a royal tantrum. So unfortunately, she is learning more and more about time out each day, and learning to take deep breaths and not worry about things so much (as am I). It is a fun stage of parenting, but it is also very exhausting. With her being my first child, I have to admit that I feel a little bad for her. I have never been a Mommy before her, and I am learning one step at a time, but there are times when I have absolutely no clue what to do. I started reading Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers, by Tracy Hogg, hoping to find some useful skills in there, and I have learned a lot about Maggie's personality and my parenting style, and hopefully later on it will get into more problem solving skills and such.

Truth be told, up until this point I have not read many books or taken any classes about how to be a Mom. I have taken advice from my Moms and prayed about what I should do and that is why Maggie is alive. I don't think I am a horrible mom or anything, I just feel like we have come to a point that I need some extra help.

Mommy is a tough job, but very well worth it! I would be a liar if I told you that I didn't lock myself in my room and scream into my pillow at times, or told you that I don't wish for a little time ALL BY MYSELF sometimes. But then I see that breathtaking smile and those sparkling blue eyes, and I'm done. It just takes one little hug accompanied by "ooooh, Mama" and I am back to my ooey gooey self. :)

So all is mostly well with the Hendershots! Nick is done with school for the summer, so we have had a few weeks of mornings together and we are ready to accomplish some summer and pre-baby projects and have some much needed family fun!

For Anyone Who is Affected by Death..

Recently, my Great Grandma, Ruth Vivian Cecil passed away at age 90. I truly feel blessed that she stuck around for so long. As long as I can remember, Ruthie and her sweet husband Ray (who passed away nearly 10 years before she did) have been an epic love story in our family. They spoke so lovingly to each other and it was so apparent that they were deeply in love every day that they knew each other. My Gramma Cecil was full of spunk and spirit and life, and I am sure that some of her best traits have been passed through the generations and will be cherished forever. It is safe to say that Ruthie will be sorely missed by so many of us left here, especially her children and grandchildren that were very close to her. At the same time, I believe that we can all find a testimony strengthening lesson in her life and passing.

Ruthie grew ill a little while ago, and so many of us had been alerted to go visit her for what might have been the last time for us in this lifetime.  A couple of weeks ago Maggie and I went up with the rest of my family members to visit with her. While she was obviously ill, and a bit loopy, I am greatful that we were able to see her one last time. During the Sunday Morning session of Conference on April 1, as soon as we arrived to my mom and dad's home to watch it with them, my mom recieved the call that Gramma Cecil had passed away. At that very moment, our prophet was giving this message:

"Every thoughtful person has asked himself the question best phrased by Job of old: “If a man die, shall he live again?” Try as we might to put the question out of our thoughts, it always returns. Death comes to all mankind. It comes to the aged as they walk on faltering feet. Its summons is heard by those who have scarcely reached midway in life’s journey. At times it hushes the laughter of little children.

But what of an existence beyond death? Is death the end of all? Robert Blatchford, in his book God and My Neighbor, attacked with vigor accepted Christian beliefs such as God, Christ, prayer, and particularly immortality. He boldly asserted that death was the end of our existence and that no one could prove otherwise. Then a surprising thing happened. His wall of skepticism suddenly crumbled to dust. He was left exposed and undefended. Slowly he began to feel his way back to the faith he had ridiculed and abandoned. What had caused this profound change in his outlook? His wife died. With a broken heart he went into the room where lay all that was mortal of her. He looked again at the face he loved so well. Coming out, he said to a friend: “It is she, and yet it is not she. Everything is changed. Something that was there before is taken away. She is not the same. What can be gone if it be not the soul?”

Later he wrote: “Death is not what some people imagine. It is only like going into another room. In that other room we shall find … the dear women and men and the sweet children we have loved and lost.”^12"

- President Thomas S. Monson

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/the-race-of-life?lang=eng

Ok, now THAT is some good timing!! How much more comfort can you recieve than that? I can't even IMAGINE the precious reunion that was going on in the Spirit World when Ruthie and Ray were finally reunited, never EVER to be seperated again! How sweet is this gospel that we can be assured of such things! I recieve so much comfort in knowing and feeling that my brother, Andy (who passed away at age 12 when I was just a toddler) can and is in my prescence at times. I have always felt that loved ones have a way to influence our lives and be present in their own way once they pass through the veil.

Last night I found another little gem from conference that can offer comfort to many people mourning a loss..

"President Joseph F. Smith {said}: “I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves.”¹

Relationships can be strengthened through the veil with people we know and love. That is done by our determined effort to continually do what is right. We can strengthen our relationship with the departed individual we love by recognizing that the separation is temporary and that covenants made in the temple are eternal. When consistently obeyed, such covenants assure the eternal realization of the promises inherent in them."

-Richard G. Scott

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/how-to-obtain-revelation-and-inspiration-for-your-personal-life?lang=eng 

I don't mean to pretend that I know what every loss feels like, because I most certainly do not. And I am sure that intense pain is inevitable with every death. But what I do know is that I feel very blessed that the gospel can bring such comfort to know that this life is not all there is, but merely a step to a greater goal. I LOVE knowing that life is not over at this life for anybody, no matter how big or small, old or young. I LOVE that our church has living prophets to remind us of these things at times when we need it most. It is really awesome that our sensitivity to spiritual things lies within our control and that we can choose to be in tune by living righteously. Seriously, what better consolation can anyone have?

So might we all remember those sweet spirits, that are so dear to us, that made it to the "other room" of the spirit world before we did, and allow their existence to leave a mark on us for the better and never be forgotten. :)

Spiritual Thoughts Journal..

Every year my sister, my mommy and I get to go to Campus Education Week at BYU.  I swear that this is my spiritual highlight of the whole year and it is just wonderful. I love the environment of learning that is there and the time that I get to spend with my best friends, and it is just lovely. I have always "taken notes" and written things down there, but this year I was impressed to do something different. I feel like sometimes my notes are just trying to write down every little thing that I can, and they often lack the beautiful spirit that I feel while I am there, and sometimes trying to write so fast can drown out the spirit and cause me to miss something that would have otherwise been meaningfull.

So I found this beautiful book, and immediately it was mine! I decided to use it to write down only the significant spiritual lessons, thoughts, quotes and experiences that I come across, so that I can have them for future reference, and actually have access to the spirit that I felt while in that moment, without any of the unnecessary fluff.

Well months went by, and I was faithful with recording things in my spiritual thoughts journal (STJ) and then I came to a speedbump.

At this time in my life I was feeling a lot of hatred, and it was all consuming. Hatred is not an emotion that I am very familiar with, and it was really hard to overcome. I prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would help me with this, and I felt like it wasn't getting any easier. I came to feel helpless, useless, insignificant, and began questioning many things I thought I had known for sure and it was not pleasant. 

At this point I think that Nick was getting sick and tired of hearing me complain, and he finally suggested that I read through my STJ and see how I felt.

So I did, and I could not believe the spirit that I felt. There were things that I could not have known that I would  later need to be reminded of at the time they were written that just totally put me in my place. The sequence of entries written was nothing less than a miracle for me and it changed my life. I really felt the spirit so strongly and knew that my Heavenly Father has been there the whole time, I was just so distracted that I wasn't noticing.

I learned something huge from that, and I hope that it will mean something to anyone reading this. It is possible to forget why we have the testimony that we have, and nobody should ever take theirs for granted or forget to nourish it.  I know the importance of writing down spiritual things, solely so that we may look back on them in times of weakness and be strengthened from our own experiences. I love being able to look back on those things and have my worries dispelled and fear replaced with faith.

I really do have a testimony of my Gospel, and it is truly what brings all the happiness and joys into my life. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and the careful love that I feel from him. It really is through my Savior that I am the most "me" that I can be, and I am growing every day because of Him.

Our Little Miracle..

Today I was told that the impossible has become possible! -not only possible, but REALITY!! Scary, yucky feeling, exciting, wonderful, anxious REALITY! And while I would love to say that it doesn't feel real, the nausea, fatigue, HEARTBURN, and dizziness are all very REAL to me, so I am just overtly grateful that there is a good reason for all of this!

This may not seem all that miraculous to the outside eye, but for this girl, at this time it is a very miraculous and beautiful mercy. Here is why.

So I am so blessed to have my little 2 year old, Maggie. I know that I am blessed to have her, and I have intensely adored her from the moment that I heard her little heartbeat. But being pregnant with her totally messed up my body. I really wanted to be one of those "more happy when I am pregnant" people, but it was not the case.  I developed a severe rash, some mutalated form of PUPPS, covering the length and width, and anything in between, of my body. It was so severe that I would scratch till I would BLEED and it never felt better. It was horrible, and I would never wish it upon anybody. I then developed a racing heartbeat and high blood pressure to top that off, and got put on bedrest at 36 weeks. At 39 weeks, at my regular appointment I was not progressing, and with my blood pressure still threatening at a stroke worthy level, my doctor decided to just take Maggie out by C Section. Thinking that the end of my pregnancy signaled the end of my rash, emotional ups and downs, and health issues was not about to be reality.

I dealt with post partum depression, fatigue, cold rashes, and just constantly not feeling well enough to do daily things, let alone take care of a refluxy baby. After many doctors telling me all different things; i.e. "you are depressed, try this!", "you have low thyroid, try this!", even "you are just fine, just read a steamy romance novel!!" (said before I was even finished telling my symptoms!) "you have fibromyalgia and are too stressed out" etc..

PAINFUL!! NO PROGRESS!!

Then, Maggie at 2 years of age, I suddenly stop having periods. At this point I am feeling awefully concerned.  After all, I really wanted to maybe start thinking of another baby soon! No period=No baby! EVER! Very scary!

I finally decided that all this time had gone by still feeling crappy, trying to lose weight and having every single effort thrown in my face, never getting any real answers from these doctors, and now this girly stuff was just all too much! I needed to find someone who would LISTEN to me and ACTUALLY DO THE BLOODWORK that needed to be done, and FIGURE OUT MY PROBLEM!!!

So I was referred to an amazing doctor, Dr. Randy Lundell. (whom I would refer ANYONE dealing with any hormone issues) After scheduling an appointment 2 months out, I found it quite frustrating to wait that long, telling myself that this would be different and turning to the Lord for patience, my appointment finally arrived!

Dr. Lundell was very kind and knowledgable. After LISTENING to my concerns, he helped me to feel like I was not the only one who goes through these kind of things. After all, I am a 22 year old having 40 year old health issues. He helped me to figure out that I was not producing progesterone (the hormone that makes you ovulate) and that my thyroid medicine, the one that I had been on for a year and a half now, was not working properly, and that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. PCOS could make it difficult to get pregnant in the future, but is managable if treated properly.

I was so happy to finally be getting somewhere! Relief was on the way! Wowwy! I deserved it!

Well, after a couple of weeks of being on the progesterone that he put me on, I was supposed to have a period.  After 4 weeks went by with no period I began to be concerned again!

What on earth is wrong with me??? I thought. If this isn't working I must have some sort of cancer, or tumor or something. And then I will NEVER have more babies!! Oh, how I want more babies! I am supposed to be a mommy!! Maggie needs siblings!! I can't do this!! I will take ANY other trial, just not this one!!! I have had ENOUGH of this emotional roller coaster!! Maybe I am not fit to be a mommy to more than one child... I am not good enough... at least I have my Maggie, she is plenty and we will just adopt someday..

So my thoughts went, and I cried and cried to my mommy, and was angry, and scared, and hopeless. I really felt I would go insane.. and then the next day I had a strong feeling to take a pregnancy test.

While I had been taking pregnancy tests quite often this last few months, just to be sure, I most certainly didn't expect anything but one line.. LO AND BEHOLD THERE WERE TWO!! DARK ONES!! I immediately went back for more tests!! 3 more to be exact. and they were all POSITIVE!!! HOW COULD THIS BEEE???

Turns out I really am pregnant!!!! Today was my follow up appointment with Dr. Lundell, a little over one month from when he started me on the new treatment. turns out, he thinks that I am 6-8 weeks along, which means I would have had to already barely be pregnant when I saw him!! Impossible! What a MIRACLE!!!

I know that this is a tender mercy. I know that I probably had to get so down in the dumps that I felt no hope in order to appreciate what was closely approaching. I know that I probably wouldn't have appreciated this if I hadn't been so scared and had my livelihood challenged. All I know is that miracles happen, and if I am writing this experience only for me to look back and see that I had a miracle, then so be it. I LOVE my Heavenly Father, and this experience shows me that he truly does watch for and care for each of us, and that he deeply knows and loves us. He will never forget me, only teach me, and for that I am extraordinarilly grateful.

Nick, Maggie and I truly could not be more elated for this news!! I know that we will get through whatever the future brings us, good or bad, and that we will be so grateful when we get to hold this miracle baby.

SO LONG!!

Yes, I know, it has been too long! And as for my last post; 2011 did NOT make me be a better blogger. But I assure you, I was busy doing many other things! Such as-

Keeping my little Maggie alive!

discovering my parenting style

discovering how to be a parent, and still be ME, and be a WIFE too! (something I'm sure I will be discovering forever)

looking for a home

fixing up our home

moving into our home

feeling yucky

visiting doctors trying to find out why I was feeling yucky

FINALLY figuring out why I was feeling yucky!

strengthening my family relationships

strengthening my relationship with my Heavenly Father

laughing a lot

DANCING a lot

discovering PINTEREST

having to trash my beloved BUBARSU.. :(

replacing it with an Explorer (which I totally love)

NOT having internet!

paying off some debt! (wahoo!!)

camping a lot!

taking a trip to the beautiful OREGON coast!

trying to be happy and live each day to its fullest!

The good news is that I we finally got internet at our home! So.... Maybe this girl will blog every once in a while... Who knows??

...2011...

This year I will be a better blogger...

....maybe...

But I did set some other goals...

1. go to the temple monthly with my Hubby

2. continue strengthening my relationship with my Savior

3. take better pictures, not necessarily more, but just better ones.

4. continue exersizing and stop eating when I am full (duh!)

5. stay positive

6. improve on something each day

7. weekly dates with Hubby

8. always be reading a good book

9. live more providently

Nothing too flashy or difficult because I want to be able to stick to them this time! :)

Here are some things I accomplished in 2010...

-got my esthetics license!

-moved to Springville

-started exersizing!

-lost 8 lbs!

-kept the Magster alive and happy

-discovered solutions to my health speedbumps

-read half of the Book of Mormon on my own

-got closer to My Savior

-strengthened relationships with Hubby, family and friends

Have a great year everyone!!!

I know we will! :)

Someone Got a Good Laugh!!! :)

....and I wish it was ME!

Ha ha ha, oh my!

So, recently I got some new workout DVDs so that I can still get a workout when I wasn't able to go for a walk/run for any reason. I have thought to myself many times, "Oh jeez, what would I do if somebody ever saw me doing my workout?!?!"

....Today was that day!!! HA!....

Picture this; a little cracked open window to a lower level apartment, surely the girl inside thought that nobody would be around to see! Inside there is a chubby little girl with obvious ambition, just dancing her heart out to the cheesiest dance video ever, alone in her living room scattered with toys sweating like a greased pig!!!

All of a sudden I hear girls laughing so hard, but just kept on dancing, wondering what in the world was so funny!

I didn't know whether to feel self conscious about this and go apologize, or just keep up with my routine and any time I see my neighbors, just laugh to myself!! Who the HECK cares!! I don't have anyone to impress besides myself and Heavenly Father!!  So I will just keep it up (and make sure to close my window!!!) and just laugh!!

On that note, I am kinda proud!  I have known for a long time that I really ought to take better care of my body and lose some serious poundage!! I know that Heavenly Father lent me this body trusting me to take care of it, and I really blew it lately and am reaping the consequences!

I found out that I have Fibromyalgia... which basically makes it hard to sleep, and makes me feel like I am sick with bodyaches ALL THE TIME!! Dang, not fun! 

But the good news for me is that i can make it better by exercising and eating better, taking time for myself, and getting good quality sleep. and now i know that it was not all in my head!!

The reason that I am proud is because I REFUSE to allow this to turn me into a vegetable! And I am doing very well! I have been eating 1500 calories a day and working out every single day! Those things truly are helping me feel great!! I know I will have not so good days, but I will for sure get through them!

I truly feel like I am "Defying Gravity" like the song! :) Wish me luck!